Buhari’s Corruption Is More Innocent Than Yours

All of a sudden, the Buhari administration that is given to shouting anti-corruption from the rooftop has adjusted to the inviolate, otherworldly quiet of a Buddhist monastery. The dubious 9 trillion naira contract fraud exploded by Ibe Kachikwu’s ‘leaked’ memo has forced them into preternatural speechlessness. President Buhari, who cornered the

The Memo Ibe Kachikwu Did Not Write

The leaked memo of the Minister of State for Petroleum Resources, Ibe Kachikwu, to President Buhari is a short-hand exposé on the superfluity of corruption in the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation.   In the memo, a downcast Kachickwu pleads for the restoration of the dignity of his person and authority of his office. The humiliated cabinet

Buhari Writes Paul and Peter: The Unity of Psquare Is Non-Negotiable

Dear Paul and Peter,   I have just been informed that one of you unilaterally announced the ‘split’ of the crisis-prone Psquare. That’s an act of self-determination. It is treasonable and worthy of classification as terrorism.   I recall that your late mother paid me a visit at my Daura home a couple of years ago. We shared dinner

Buhari, Buratai and The Python Panacea

The ongoing destructive ‘Python Dance’ of the Nigerian troops in the South East states of Nigeria is easily the most futile conceivable strategy for defeating the growing Biafra consciousness in Igboland. It’s a thought police witch-hunt operation. And it is destined to end in a shameful retreat like all brawny

Mama Taraba: The Other Aisha In Buhari’s Life

This is bad news: the malcontents in the State House that can’t abide President Muhammadu Buhari are not all rats. A member of his cabinet also wants to see his back.   Barely two weeks after the rodents attempted to evict him from office, Aisha Al-Hassan, Buhari’s minister of women affairs, suggested

Why Rats Should Colonize Nigeria

A frustrated candidate Trump once asked the black American community that just wouldn’t warm to his campaign and the prospect of his presidency, ‘’what the hell do you have to lose?’’.   After the spokesman of the Nigerian president informed Nigerians that a legion of rats overran the office of the president of

Are You The Nigerian Police Or Buhari’s Militia?

More often than not, the Nigerian Police runs riot like a malicious militia whenever the politics of the president of Nigeria faces a viable challenge in the form of a street protest. The police rush out to crush the demonstration.  They assault the protesters. They brutalize them on an order of

The Song Before The Genocide

When a group of Northern youths gathered in Arewa House, Kaduna and issued a ‘quit notice’ to all Igbos resident in the Northern Nigeria from that symbolic bastion of Arewaland, I hastened to clarify that "It’s A Genocide Notice, Not A Quit Notice." My reading of that thinly veiled threat of pogrom

Searching for Oil and Death in Shekau’s Backyard

Nothing proves Nigeria’s status as an oil alcoholic like the 50 dead bodies of the NNPC oil exploration team to Maiduguri. The scent of oil had us staggering into the killing field, with our eyes open: hence, the slaughter at the tryst of the country’s thirst for oil and Boko Haram’s bloodthirst.   It’s

Deconstructing ‘The Floating Toilet’ of Bayelsa

The proud rollout of ‘a floating toilet’ by one member of Bayelsa State House of Assembly outraged the Nigerian blogosphere. Nigerian netizens decried the woeful ostentation of the wretched contraption. The well-choreographed ‘commissioning’ ceremony appeared to have cost a lot more than horrible loo itself.   Kate Owoko cobbled the ‘floating latrine’